Did you ever have a day, maybe a couple, maybe a week .. or even longer, where you asked yourself, “Who am I?” I find that I go through this every couple of months or so, maybe it’s with each season change? Who am I? I know who I used to be. I was a child, a teenager, a college student. As a young adult I worked my ass off. I taught dance classes 5 nights a week, 2 mornings a week and ALL day Saturday. Dance was who I was. It was the only thing I knew. It was my activity, my sanctuary, my therapist and my lively hood. Without it I didn’t think I could exist and I NEVER thought I could live without it. I missed hundreds of events: birthdays, graduations, engagement parties, dinners, concerts, friend get togethers, vacation chances… But I was a hustler. I didn’t get sick, vacation or personal days. Every minute I worked was what I was paid for. I had to pay rent and health insurance, car payments and insurance, groceries, hair, clothing – everything. So dance was who I was.
Once I became a Mommy, I quickly realized that I couldn’t image NOT being with my baby. I wanted to be with him every second of the day. I hated having to leave him to go work all night. What if I missed something important. What if he got sick and needed me? So I stuck it out for a full year; I had already made the commitment. Then I became a full time Stay At Home Mom. Coincidentally, I got pregnant and was due when the new year would have started anyway.
The first year was so fun! We bonded as Mommy and Son, Big brother and Little Brother. We figured out our routine. We went to storytime and had speech therapy sessions. Everything was dreamy. I thought I was the poster woman for SAHM. Then something changed. I don’t know when and I don’t know why or how. I just know there are some days where I love every waking moment of every single day and then there are a few days a year that I just want to ship my children off to a grandparent’s house and be alone. Unfortunately, I do not always have that option. Especially now that Anthony is in PreK 3 five days a week.
So, the last two days – and really more so in the mornings – I have been in this mood. It’s mostly me being EXTREMELY short tempered. I ask myself WHY am I like this? Well, maybe because Patrick still doesn’t sleep consistently? Because he is in those Terrible Twos? Because my husband had his man cold and I didn’t have anyone to tag team with? All of the above? Now, I ask myself, how can I get myself out of this FUNK!!? And the answer for me is simple. I need to dance it out. Give me the music, and the movement and free-ness. And that is just what I did.
I chose to get the funk out. I could have sat around and been miserable. Been nasty to my kids, yelled and fought with them. But I wanted to be better for them. I wanted today to be a good memory for them. So instead of asking, Who Am I? I’m going to start asking myself, Who do I want to be today?
Thanks for stopping by and reading my life. If you want to share, leave a comment!
Christina